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Belonging

by Dr. Robert Glover on Jan 18th, 2014.     4 comments

belongingWhat experiences make you feel optimistic, complete, and blessed?
 
If you are like most people, it’s the feeling of being deeply connected, known, and valued. Feeling desired by those whom you desire.
 
Belonging.
 
This is probably the strongest of human drives.
 
Our ancestors, living in a harsh environment, connected with others to increase their likelihood of survival. This in turn meant they passed on the genetic tendency to seek connection. Those who weren’t driven to connect and didn’t survive didn’t pass on their genetic tendency.
 
Mother Nature wired us to connect.
 
My happiest memories involve shared intimacy with the people I love:
  • taking family camping trips as a child
  • playing catch with my father
  • cooking with my mother
  • having my first crush and getting my first kiss
  • laughing and teasing with friends and family while playing games
  • wrestling with my boys
  • taking road trips to watch baseball games with my buddies
  • talking philosophy, politics, and religion with friends
  • lying naked next to the one I love and revealing our intimacies, fears, and dreams
Conversely, my deepest wounds, greatest frustrations, and most painful betrayals have come from the people I love:
  • I didn’t talk to my parents for 15 years.
  • Neither of my ex-wives seemed to care enough to get all the way in.
  • I’ve been cheated on, lied to, and betrayed.
  • I have felt like I was the only one on the outside looking in as I watched groups of people embrace and connect.
  • I have felt so lonely that I longed for someone, anyone, to just stop and acknowledge my presence.
  • I have struggled to figure out how to get the women I desire to desire me.
  • I’ve bumbled my way through every relationship I’ve ever had.
And yet, I love people. I seek connection. I enjoy giving and receiving. I love to love and be loved. I crave being socially connected.
 
As I often say, miracles happen around people.
 
So it’s no surprise that the two most common issues I deal with as a therapist, coach, and teacher are how to create relationships and how to make them work.
 
My bread and butter is helping men learn to date successfully and create satisfying relationships.
 
Since we are wired to connect, you’d think these two skills would come easily and naturally.
 
Unfortunately, we no longer live in the tribal situation that provided organic connection with kin and readily available sex partners. Our loss of clan requires us to create connections in ways that don’t come naturally.
 
We’re wired to connect but not to date or live in life-long monogamous relationships.
 
Added to this modern reality, most of us didn’t learn how to connect socially or create healthy relationships from our parents. They were bumbling their way through like everyone else.
 
Do I have the answers?
 
No.
 
But I have learned some very important lessons from a lifetime of struggling to find love and three decades helping others do the same.
 
I have discovered that most of us get in our own way and make things much more difficult than they need to be.
 
One of the greatest truths I’ve learned is that when it comes to creating satisfying and fulfilling relationships, we have to risk boldly.
 
Reward is won through risk.
 
You want to get the guy or girl of your dreams? Take some risks.
 
You want a deeply intimate, satisfying relationship? Take some risks.
 
That is why I call my online relationship course “All the Way In.” You don’t connect deeply or succeed at anything without going all in. Or as my jazz buddies put it, “balls deep.”
 
I teach men and women how to get what they want in love by going “balls deep.”
 
I don’t care if you are presently single and seeking a relationship or in a relationship and wondering why it isn’t what you thought it would be. You won’t get what you want without risk.
 
To find and keep love, you have to truly show up  – nothing hidden and nothing half-assed.
 
You’re not going to find or keep love without commitment, without risk, without disappointment.
 
Robert
 
P.S. The more deeply you love, the more deeply you’re going to get hurt. That’s just part of being human. You haven’t lived until you’ve had your heart broken. It’s just one more story to tell.

Topics: Relationships

4 Comments

EddieNYC says ...
Hi Doc,

Thank you for this one.
Sid says ...
Thanks for sharing.
Mike1991 says ...
Thanks Dr. Glover, one of the toughest things at this time of life is to make friends with and connect with other men. Any thoughts on this topic?
Paul in Vancouver says ...
Very good message. Not going "all in" in a relationship with someone for fear of getting hurt or rejected may be less painful short term, but long term leads to deeper loneliness and deeper regret.

It's like learning how to snow ski really well. If you want to tackle the black diamond slopes, you need to go all in, eliminate your fear, and expect to fall hard a few times

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