Read My Mind

Conversing with Women

by Dr. Robert Glover on Nov 1st, 2011.     11 comments

man talking to blond womanA single guy writes:

“My biggest flaw is not being able to hold up my part of a conversation. This stops me from approaching women in the first place!”

Being able to carry on an interesting conversation with a woman might be one of the biggest Self Limiting Beliefs (SLBs) that most single guys have.

Many of the men with whom I work have some degree of social anxiety and limited experience approaching women. Because of this anxiety and lack of experience, they see being able to initiate and carry on a conversation as one of the biggest barriers between them and the love and sex they want.

This SLB represents a misunderstanding of what women want and what they expect of men. Here are some truths about conversing with women:

Most women are comfortable doing the majority of the talking.

Have you noticed that? Most women like to talk. It is how their brains are wired. In general, the male brain isn’t wired to talk as much. This creates two advantages for you.

First, most women welcome the opportunity to have someone to talk to. They actually get a hit of the “feel good” hormone, Oxytocin, when they start talking. You are doing her a favor by starting a conversation. You are giving her a high.

Second, since women tend to use more words and have longer conversations, you don’t have to do so much of the talking. In fact, she might like you better if you let her talk more.

If you spend enough time with a woman, you might have to actually start asking her to give you the “guy version” because of her tendency to want to give too much verbal detail.

If a conversation with a woman lags, it is probably because at least one of you has low interest.

Most Bad Daters make the mistake of trying to figure out how to get a woman to like them. This is a recipe for disaster. Your job isn’t to get a woman to like you. It is to test her level of interest and her nature.

That means if you approach a woman and start a conversation, and it just doesn’t seem to go anywhere, it is most likely because she has low interest in having a conversation with you. In my experience, if a woman has even moderate interest, she’ll have plenty to talk about (even if it is just to have someone listen to her).

So, if the conversation goes nowhere, tell her it was nice to meet her and move on. Don’t try and make a conversation happen when there is low interest. You got to rejection. That’s your goal. And, don’t assume the conversation lagged because you aren’t good at conversation and therefore will never have success with women.

Just because women chatter with their girlfriends, it doesn't mean they expect men to interact with them in the same way.

Sure, when women get together with their girlfriends, they like to talk. It is how they bond and get validated. That doesn’t mean they expect you to be like their girlfriends, even though they may chatter at you as if you are their girlfriend. That is why it is your job to set the tone and take the lead.

Most women are more turned on by action than words. I have found in general, talking kills the positive tension women need for attraction and attachment. That is why I recommend that men use the “3Ts” to create positive emotional tension with women, rather than long conversations.

When approaching a woman and while conversing with her:

  • Touch her

  • Tease her

  • Tell her to do things

You notice that the 3Ts have nothing to do with being a good conversationalist, yet they are the most powerful way I know to drive up interest with women. Even if you are shy, introverted, or socially anxious, you can practice the 3Ts.

Authenticity is one of the greatest turn-ons for women.

I did a radio interview recently with a female advice columnist. When I mentioned that the best advice for a shy guy is to just walk up to a woman and say something like, “You know I never do this because I’m pretty shy, but I just had to come by and talk with you. I’m Robert.....”

She loved it. She emphasized how much women are turned on by authenticity, even if a guy is shy or reserved. Use your shyness to your advantage. Be authentic.

Practice, Practice, Practice

Feeling confident in your social skills comes from practice. There is no shortcut. That is why I constantly preach: Get out of the house, expand your route, talk to people everywhere you go, test for interest, and walk through the open doors.

Challenge your SLBs. Don’t let your mind use your shyness, limited conversation skills, or anxiety as an excuse to not approach. Be yourself and be real. That’s the biggest turn-on for a woman.


Check out all of my Dating Essentials for Men online classes and Dating Essentials Q&A Podcasts


Topics: Confidence Dating Essentials Self-Limiting Beliefs Women


GT17 says ...
hi Dr. G,

Happy 4th, and I love the new website.

This post... thanks for getting to the heart of the matter.
Sometimes I feel like I have to wow women and do backflips and
cartwheels, etc. in order to impress women and avoid boring them
and turning them off. For this reason I am very selective about approaching women and teasing them, joking, etc.

More, more!

McJeff says ...
Great post and so true. As a recovering Nice Guy, the most challenging aspect of this is number 3, Tell Her to Do Things. I think for me, it's finding the right tone - neither too wimpy, or too arrogant. Dr. Glover, do you have examples of the kinds of things to tell her to do, or a way to approach making the request/command?
Jose R. Perez says ...
Thank you Dr. Glover...for being an astounding mentor!
Sean says ...
McJeff, If you have to be told what to tell a woman to do, that's the problem in a nutshell... (though I confess, I had a very same question!)
Lee says ...
I'd like to know what to do if you happen to be a short fat ugly man who gets low to zero levels of interest from every woman you have ever met?
Dr. Glover says ...

Most men who have dating issues don't have them for the reason they think. We guys think women judge us by the same physical standard by which we judge them. In general, they don't. They make judgments based on how we make them feel. The problem most guys run into isn't due to how they look or how tall they are or how much money they have. It usually boils down to these things; overpowering Self-Limiting Beliefs (I'm short and ugly, that is why women aren't interested in me), anxiety, lack of skills, and low tolerance for frustration. If any one (or all) of these fit you, that is where I would suggest you start.
Dr. Glover says ...

Telling a woman what to do isn't about bossing her around, being controlling, or trying to get your way. It is about creating emotional tension. Example, don't ask if she will give you her number, take out your phone and tell her to give you her number because you are going to call her and set up a time to meet for drinks. Instead of asking her if she is busy this weekend, tell her that you are going to pick her up Friday night at 7:30. Believe it or not, most like to be told what to wear. If you have a plan for a date (maybe a second or third date or later), tell her you have a plan, and she should wear such and such. Don't tell her what the plan is, just what to wear. All of these things create interest and emotional tension.
Dr. Glover says ...

The best pickup line I know is, "How's your day going so far?"

The second best is, "Hi, I'm ....."

No more backflips. Women know why we are talking to them. We don't have to hide our agenda or impress them. Just talk to them.
Lee says ...
Are you seriously trying to tell us that women wouldn't prefer to sleep with George Clooney than Dany Devito for example? It is totally about looks, I have never had a girlfriend in my entire 36 year life. Whereas my incredibly handsome and attractive cousin of the same age has slept with hundreds of women. Even though I am always being told that I'm caring, generous, witty, kind, and sweet.
Dr. Glover says ...

Nothing in life is black and white. Of course physical attractiveness plays a role, but it is only one of many factors for women (it is almost the only factor for men). Your example of you and your cousin doesn't prove anything other than that your cousin is willing to put his penis in lots of vaginas and you aren't. Being "nice" doesn't typically turn women on. That is the point of pretty much everything on my website. I guess the only question is, are you willing to try to do something different rather than holding on to the belief that you've never had a girlfriend because you aren't good looking enough?

spinit1 says ...
Hi Robert:
Your comment about "low interest" or "lag time" is interesting. I went with a woman once who was primarily a 'listener' (receiver) and not a "sender" of communication. I interpreted this to mean that she was using me as a "listening post" (and thus selfish). I don't believe I dominated the relationship. My take: she didn't talk much and/or she lost "interest." Thanks, and I enjoy the new site.


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