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Read My Mind

Negativity Toward Women

by Dr. Robert Glover on Apr 5th, 2012.     1 comments

gold digger licenseIt’s a pretty common dynamic among Nice Guys to have some negativity and resentment toward women. This is especially true for single guys who have either not had much success dating or guys who have a tendency to pick (and stay with) some pretty wounded women.

These experiences create a deep emotional scar for many men. This scar translates into a negative energy that they project onto women in general.

Here’s an example from a post in one of my online Dating Essentials for Men online courses.

“I can’t believe anything I read on women’s profiles – so I have to weed out the truth from the obvious online lies. I’ve noticed a lot of the women set a very high unrealistic threshold when looking for a man, but are obviously not achieving anything close to that themselves, based on their profiles. Based on what I’ve seen by just browsing some sites, there is a lot of negative energy out there (or maybe it’s just where I live). I am afraid I’m going to attract psychos . . . I feel like I’m getting scammed. . . . Really, do some of these women believe they are all that? Are they really that full of themselves? Should I use a generic email address so the psychos can't spam my read email or stalk me?”

It is pretty obvious from this post that this guy has some serious issues with women. I assume he has had some negative experiences with women and is projecting these issues onto women in general. He mentioned the negativity he finds on online dating sites, but he himself comes across as very negative.

I can understand the intensity of his feelings. I’ve had to deal with my own negativity and generalization toward women.

When I was writing No More Mr. Nice Guy, I was in a relationship with a woman who didn’t always treat me very well (I’m putting that mildly). As I handed out chapters I was writing to friends and clients, a pretty consistent piece of feedback was that it sounded like I had rage toward women.

I had to take a look at this. Since then, I’ve bumped into various signs of resentment and negativity toward women within myself. I know I’ve come a long way in releasing most of these feelings. I don’t like feeling like a victim, and I don’t like projecting my own negative experience with a few women onto all women.

I have found that most Nice Guys have some negativity, resentment, and/or rage toward women in general. This can be due to a number of things.

  • Because of a lack of boundaries, many Nice Guys have been used/abused by women (often starting with mother).

  • Most Nice Guys feel powerless with women, due to social anxiety, shyness, and a lack of understanding of how women are different from men.

  • Many Nice Guys have come to resent that women seem to have all the power and get to be the decider.

I have had to work on all of these issues in myself.

Here is the bottom line:

Whatever your view of women is, that is what you will see and attract -- for good or for bad.

In order to attract and keep a really great woman, you have to work out your negative issues. You have to own them as your own.

Generalizing negative traits upon all women based on your personal experiences with a few women is like women thinking all men are shallow jerks just because a couple of men broke their hearts.

Whenever you find yourself feeling negative toward a woman or toward women in general, pause, and ask yourself, "what story is my negativity telling me about me?"

Own it. Release it if you can.

gold diggerMake yourself stop focusing on negative traits in women. Get to know them as individuals with their own strengths and weaknesses. If a woman isn't for you -- for any reason -- lovingly move on. Don't take her negative traits as a sign that every other woman will have the same traits.

Do you have your own set of negative issues about women? If so, share them below as a way of owning them and cleaning them out. As you share, take full ownership of your feelings. This forum isn’t meant to be a place to rant and victim puke. Go somewhere else if you want to stay stuck hating women.

If you have found some ways to help you overcome your rage and resentment, share what you have done. Here are a few things I’ve done:

  • I don’t let myself feel victimized by anyone. If anyone treats me badly, I take responsibility for letting him or her.

  • I work at seeing other people’s behaviors as telling a story about them, not me.

  • I try not to generalize toward women in any negative way.

  • I look for good traits in the women I meet.

  • I worked on my issues with my mother.

  • I’ve consciously created relationships with some pretty amazing women. All are flawed, but so am I. All can own their own stuff.

I suspect we are all pretty much in the same boat. Let’s support one another as we clean out our baggage with women so we can open ourselves up to the love of a Really Great Woman.

Robert


Check out all of my Dating Essentials for Men online classes and Dating Essentials Q&A Podcasts


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Topics: Dating Essentials Personal Integration Relationships Women

1 Comments

Lamont says ...
I have found out that I have issues with my mother going back to childhood. I never understood when I was in high school women would say I have this rage against women. I am now 30 and realize that it came from me always feeling powerless and unable to speak and do for myself. I believe I am now in the recovering stage as I am slowly addressing some things that I experienced in my past as well as needing a level of seperation from my mother.

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