A member of one of my Dating Essentials for Men courses recently made the following post on a class forum:
"Robert, you’ve written, ‘At the first hint of sexual seductiveness, . . . RUN! Don’t look back.’
“I am very confused by this. Sexual seductiveness would be something that I would consider for my five must-haves. Maybe this is due to my lack of sexual/relationship experience, but a lot of my fantasies involve a woman attempting to seduce me.
“A woman who can't or won't express her femininity or her seductive powers over men would seem like a Really Wrong Woman (RWW).
“Maybe it is naïveté on my part or the fact that what little bit of experience I have was of the high school variety, but I find stuffed bras, high heels, hair extensions, tight clothes, sexual posing, flirtatious behavior to be a turn on.
“I recently stopped calling a woman I met online for that very reason. She was financially secure, well-educated, and an interesting conversationalist but seemed completely unwilling to compromise in accommodating the male fantasy.
“My limited experience pointed to: if a woman is unwilling to be sexually seductive – there could be problematic reasons. This is exactly the opposite of “the printed lesson.
“I'm confused. I want to be sexually seduced by a woman so badly, springs are starting to stick out of my head.”
Here’s my response.
There are two ways a woman can be sexually seductive:
The first is from an open, conscious place.
The woman sends signals that she is receptive to you and is available to your sexual advance.
She doesn’t try to "seduce" you, i.e., act overtly sexual, expose herself, or act aggressively.
She gives signals of her receptivity (smiling, making eye contact, laughing at your jokes, touching your arm, leaning in, revealing herself reciprocally) and leaves it to you to be the man and take action (penetrate her with your presence and sexuality).
She isn't going to try to get you to like her by displaying her body parts, using overt innuendo, or being sexually aggressive.
A conscious woman is very seductive (receptive and inviting), but because she knows her worth, not because she needs a man to validate her by being sexually attracted to her.
The second way a woman can seduce is from a closed, unconscious place.
The woman acts sexually aggressive, because she knows what to do to get a man to want her (e.g., give him a blowjob in the front seat of his car on the first date, make graphic sexual statements or innuendo, or text him shots of her tits after first meeting).
This kind of seduction comes from a place of unconsciousness and insecurity and usually signals a history of being sexually exploited.
This woman doesn't believe men could like her or be attracted to her just as she is. And because the only way they could want her is sexually, she believes she has to use her sexuality.
So there are two types of seduction.
The first is from a place of self-respect, openness, and self-love.
The second is from a place of feeling inadequate and having to resort to sexual manipulation for validation and connection.
It is the second kind of woman from which I run.
These women are usually beyond insecure – they are deeply wounded and will quickly pull you into their internal emotional abyss. They may initially come on hot, but they usually turn cold just as quickly. They typically have difficulty being honest and faithful (and the more they claim to be, the less I believe them), because they need constant validation from various men. You will often notice that they still have one or more ex’s in the loop.
You will never come out ahead with women like this (unless you have amazing boundaries and don’t fool yourself into thinking that you are doing anything but messing around with a really messed up woman).
Ask any man who has had a relationship with an overtly sexually seductive woman how that relationship turned out in the long run (feel free to share your experience below).
Partners who have already built a relationship of trust based on genuinely knowing each other can play seduction with each other (e.g., she dresses up in a short skirt and high heals or gives her man a blow job in the car), but this differs from the behavior of an insecure woman who uses sex to get a man’s attention, affection, and validation.
A healthy woman will invite and be receptive.
A healthy man takes action and sets the tone.
An insecure woman seduces with her sexuality.
An insecure man needs to be seduced.
My suggestion is to quit looking at porn and fantasizing about being seduced by an overt, sexually aggressive woman. Like Pavlov’s dog, you are conditioning your brain to respond only to the kind of woman you have created in your fantasies. Other women seem boring and repressed in comparison.
You might also want to explore why you feel so insecure that you need an unconscious, insecure woman to validate you with sexual attention.
So as I’ve always said, “If a woman wants to give you a blow job in the front seat of your car on a first date, RUN!” (This is when all the hands shoot up to ask, “Before or after the blow job?”)
By the way, Nice Guys also seduce for the same reason wounded women seduce: they don’t believe they can be loved just for who they are.
Nice Guys seduce by being “nice,” listening to women talk about their problems, being different from other men, giving gifts, planning big dates, being helpful, fixing, planning surprises, pleasing, bailing women out financially, impressing, hiding their sexual agenda, etc.