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Why You Should Run From A Seductive Woman

by Dr. Robert Glover on May 9th, 2013.     26 comments

seductive-womanA member of one of my Dating Essentials for Men courses recently made the following post on a class forum:

"Robert, you’ve written, ‘At the first hint of sexual seductiveness, . . . RUN! Don’t look back.’

“I am very confused by this. Sexual seductiveness would be something that I would consider for my five must-haves. Maybe this is due to my lack of sexual/relationship experience, but a lot of my fantasies involve a woman attempting to seduce me.

“A woman who can't or won't express her femininity or her seductive powers over men would seem like a Really Wrong Woman (RWW).

“Maybe it is naïveté on my part or the fact that what little bit of experience I have was of the high school variety, but I find stuffed bras, high heels, hair extensions, tight clothes, sexual posing, flirtatious behavior to be a turn on.

“I recently stopped calling a woman I met online for that very reason. She was financially secure, well-educated, and an interesting conversationalist but seemed completely unwilling to compromise in accommodating the male fantasy.

“My limited experience pointed to: if a woman is unwilling to be sexually seductive – there could be problematic reasons. This is exactly the opposite of “the printed lesson.

“I'm confused. I want to be sexually seduced by a woman so badly, springs are starting to stick out of my head.”

Here’s my response.

There are two ways a woman can be sexually seductive:

The first is from an open, conscious place.

The woman sends signals that she is receptive to you and is available to your sexual advance.

She doesn’t try to "seduce" you, i.e., act overtly sexual, expose herself, or act aggressively.

She gives signals of her receptivity (smiling, making eye contact, laughing at your jokes, touching your arm, leaning in, revealing herself reciprocally) and leaves it to you to be the man and take action (penetrate her with your presence and sexuality).

She isn't going to try to get you to like her by displaying her body parts, using overt innuendo, or being sexually aggressive.

A conscious woman is very seductive (receptive and inviting), but because she knows her worth, not because she needs a man to validate her by being sexually attracted to her.

The second way a woman can seduce is from a closed, unconscious place.

The woman acts sexually aggressive, because she knows what to do to get a man to want her (e.g., give him a blowjob in the front seat of his car on the first date, make graphic sexual statements or innuendo, or text him shots of her tits after first meeting).

This kind of seduction comes from a place of unconsciousness and insecurity and usually signals a history of being sexually exploited.

This woman doesn't believe men could like her or be attracted to her just as she is.  And because the only way they could want her is sexually, she believes she has to use her sexuality.

So there are two types of seduction.

The first is from a place of self-respect, openness, and self-love.

The second is from a place of feeling inadequate and having to resort to sexual manipulation for validation and connection.

It is the second kind of woman from which I run.

These women are usually beyond insecure – they are deeply wounded and will quickly pull you into their internal emotional abyss. They may initially come on hot, but they usually turn cold just as quickly. They typically have difficulty being honest and faithful (and the more they claim to be, the less I believe them), because they need constant validation from various men. You will often notice that they still have one or more ex’s in the loop.

You will never come out ahead with women like this (unless you have amazing boundaries and don’t fool yourself into thinking that you are doing anything but messing around with a really messed up woman).

Ask any man who has had a relationship with an overtly sexually seductive woman how that relationship turned out in the long run (feel free to share your experience below).

Partners who have already built a relationship of trust based on genuinely knowing each other can play seduction with each other (e.g., she dresses up in a short skirt and high heals or gives her man a blow job in the car), but this differs from the behavior of an insecure woman who uses sex to get a man’s attention, affection, and validation.

A healthy woman will invite and be receptive.

A healthy man takes action and sets the tone. 

An insecure woman seduces with her sexuality.

An insecure man needs to be seduced.

My suggestion is to quit looking at porn and fantasizing about being seduced by an overt, sexually aggressive woman. Like Pavlov’s dog, you are conditioning your brain to respond only to the kind of woman you have created in your fantasies. Other women seem boring and repressed in comparison.

You might also want to explore why you feel so insecure that you need an unconscious, insecure woman to validate you with sexual attention.

So as I’ve always said, “If a woman wants to give you a blow job in the front seat of your car on a first date, RUN!” (This is when all the hands shoot up to ask, “Before or after the blow job?”)

Robert

By the way, Nice Guys also seduce for the same reason wounded women seduce: they don’t believe they can be loved just for who they are.

Nice Guys seduce by being “nice,” listening to women talk about their problems, being different from other men, giving gifts, planning big dates, being helpful, fixing, planning surprises, pleasing, bailing women out financially, impressing, hiding their sexual agenda, etc.

Topics: Dating Essentials Relationships Women

26 Comments

Jacob says ...
Thanks Dr. Glover
Do you recommend that an insecure man will run from an insecure woman till he finds a healthy woman? Will it stick? Will it hold? Will a healthy woman want to get into a relationship with an insecure man and stay there?
Perhaps better is for an insecure man to conciously work together with an insecure woman toward a better emotional independence?
Frank says ...
Like Dr. Glover suggests, look for concious woman, who is open but makes you lead not follow.
David Hamilton | Social Expression says ...
Great post doc. I know exactly what you mean and I agree with you. Many of these women have been sexually abused, too (i.e. borderline). I have compassion for them because it's a tough road for them and to undo it without a lot of conscious effort. It isn't our job to fix them, that's for sure.
Confidenceman says ...
I want to highlight one thing in the article that I think is significant. "They typically have difficulty being honest and faithful (and the more they claim to be, the less I believe them)..." A RWW will make the claim, "I am an honest person." If they make this from some perceived doubt of yours, there is often a significant emotional issue to like inappropriate anger.
Mike says ...
Very true. I realized I was with one of these women when I was participating in your ATWI class last fall. As applied what I was learning in the class, the situation became very clear and I decided to move on.

Thanks for posting this topic to remind us all how important it is not to allow ourselves to get tied up in one of these situations and reminding us that just because you're not with one of these women does not mean you can not have an exciting and fulfilling sex life.
Robert says ...
The woman who I am currently dating initially did not show any signs of sexual interest (at least none I picked up on) but she was very receptive and we had great rapport. I honestly was not really thinking of taking things there with her. When I finally made the move, (about six months after we met), it was on and the sex was great. It really caught me by surprise because up to that point, she was pretty non-chalant about it. I am glad I took the time to get to know her and now have one more thing to like on top of all the other qualities that I like about her.
Jack says ...
Hey Dr. Glover,
I've been with two women who were overtly sexual and both were certainly wanting to take the lead. The first, 20 yrs. younger than me, used her big boobs and would tell me things like, "I want you to do me on your desk." I had no where to run...I was in my own home. How did I respond? I allowed myself to fall into her sexual agenda, the whole time trying to convince myself that it was what I wanted. I should have listened to my member, because it didn't show UP for the occasion. Being unaware of what was going on inside of me left me to conclude that I was sexually inadequate and defective. Lots of anxiety and mental torment. Despite this dismal outcome, she continued to pursue me and within two weeks time she declared that she had fallen in love with me. That's when I found my legs and ran like hell...and made a b-line for counseling. The second woman was someone I believed to be out of my league, but I made myself approach her anyway. I succeeded in getting a date with her and then turned up the charm. After a couple of weeks of dating, she was at my apartment after going out for dinner. We were sitting on the couch and the next thing she did was pull my pants off and start blowing me. Again, me letting her take the lead. Next she turned into some kind of writhing and moaning seductress. I hadn't even begun to do anything to stimulate her. It was like having a feline in heat while I felt like a neutered pussycat in shock. Now some guys can conclude that I couldn't handle it...I jumped to that same conclusion. And actually that was partly true. I couldn't handle it. But it's because I was out of integrity with myself by being invested in the fantasy of being seduced/used and trying to make up for lost opportunities in my youth. Lot's of pressure to perform. It messed with my head and my sense of who I was as a man. Interestingly, this 2nd woman came to me and confessed that because of my lack of sexual response to her, she was able to realize her own sexual addiction and went into therapy. (Yah, great. Glad I could help). I have enjoyed sexual experiences with women who were just as "hot" but it's when I set the tone and took the lead. I have a lot more Nice Guy recovery work to do in this regard and I'm enjoying the energy that is rising up from within.
As a tongue-in-cheek side note, Dr. Glover, I'm wondering about your use of hot female models (one with a fine display of cleavage) to advertise your MYB courses. Are you trying to seduce us? I don't need an answer. I'm all in!
R says ...
This is spot on...although I do enjoy the BJ (actually mostly full on sex) on the first date. Then I run like hell after...
the third date. My amazing boundaries at work here ;)

Look on the positive side, these are the PERFECT type of women to have a fling; a brief sexual relationship with. In fact, I seek them out consciously...
Serge says ...
Jack, your fear of women is your problem, not their. These women were TIRED waiting for you to make a move and have to do it themselves. There is nothing wrong in them wanting you. It only means that you are WORTHY of such attention. Dr.Glover presumes that you have to have a long term realtionship in mind EVERY time you meet a woman. It's his own limiting belief. You can do whatever you want because it's your life, not anybody else's. You can have one night stand, spend two weeks at a resort with a woman you just met, then part ways or marry one you met through parents. It's all right. Get rid of your fear and enjoy your freedom.
Tyler says ...
Jacob,

Instead of hanging onto the notion of an insecure man working with an insecure woman, or seeking a healthy woman - that the "insecure man" works with himself until he is 100% committed to living his own best life, discards ALL the women that aren't what he really wants, and starts inviting the only the ones that he does want in to join him. *note that I say invite, instead of pursue, because inviting is what men do when they are secure in their own happiness without needing a woman to generate it for them. When a man is living his own truth 100%, he won't find women that he has to rescue or fix to be supportive of his path, and will tend to naturally pre-screen them out. Ergo, he is far more likely to attract secure women into his life.

conversely, secure women also tend to weed out insecure men, and therefore it is a better strategy to make yourself a priority anyhow. No matter how successful with women you are, or seem to be, you will not find your security through your ability to "get a good woman." It's got to come from you.

All men and women have insecurities, and these are going to come up in relationship. Perhaps the true mark of security, is the willingness to expose insecurity in relationship. Its going to happen anyhow. So, at the very least, choose a healthy partner from a healthy place within yourself, with whom you can consciously break or move through barriers with.
Jack says ...
Serge, I wasn't even looking at it from that angle, and then my defense mechanism went off, and I took a minute to breathe and take in what you wrote. You're right. I think I was in denial about that. I look for "safe" women. I hope this subject comes up more and how others have dealt with having this fear. The fear also translates into feelings of inadequacy. I want to understand this better so I can work through it. There's something about women's sexual energy that seems overwhelming to me and perhaps I'm not quite comfortable with my own. Thanks Serge for being blunt and to the point. I needed that.
Abrazos says ...
Thank you Robert for your critical insights and succinct prescriptions. In this case the advice may save years or even a life.

The recent circus-like trial for the murder of Travis Alexander can provide a Nice Guy with more than sufficient proof of the risks of entering into a relationship with an overtly sexually seductive woman. It is a tragic case study that only requires a few glances to see what Dr. Glover is describing, but more attention is a waste of time.

The murderess put enormous effort into a glamourous and sexually appealing appearance, leaving her own authenticity far behind. This was a sign that she did not see her own value, only the need to be saved by acquiring this guy.

It turns out the woman had a history of being sexually exploited.

The relationship was defined by sex and an escalation of sexual experiences. It was all about the body and not about the mind. It may have been an addiction for both of them.

The victim may have been a complete fool, selfishly thinking he could dump this woman and still have her in his life as a friend with benefits.

What we normally do to one another in relationships is difficult enough, but this level of mutual exploitation blew its own lid and the happy potential of two lives was destroyed.

Nice Guys, become aware, responsible and wise. Dr. Glover's book and courses are a great way to begin.
Igor says ...
This is absolutely genius. I should have known this when I messed up with this seductive beach.
Luellen says ...
Wow - this is so incredibly sterotypical and offensive to women. You cannot reduce a woman to a type or know her motives or history just by one facet of her personality. Dr. Robert, you should be ashamed of yourself. This sort of misogynistic bullshit has no place in the conversation of someone purporting to want to be helpful to anyone. I implore you think more deeply before reducing a great number of women as people that need to be avoided.
OsoBlanco says ...
Luellen,

Although I profoundly disagree, I can see how one might reach your conclusion. If I may offer another way to look at this that puts it in neither misogynist nor misandrist light. How would most women react when a man behaves in a presumptuously and overtly sexual way before the woman indicates interest or gives permission? If the Schrodinger's Rapist paradigm and ElevatorGate incident are any indicators, many (if not most) women would view such a man with skepticism, if not outright wariness or contempt.

The perceived risks underlying the wariness such women feel would differ from those that would concern a man when a woman accelerates the sexualization of the relationship. However, regardless of its underpinnings the angst is real for both men and women in such situations.

Those who follow Dr. Glover's work know that he is anything but a misogynist. He believes that individuals are unique but equal in worth regardless of gender or sexual orientation, and that men and women are different in ways that cannot be accounted for solely by socialization. He also believes that sexuality is among the most powerful and special forms of of human connection, and is therefore worthy of a respectful and well-considered approach. From his experience as a therapist he knows that realtionships sexualized before deeper more meaningful connections are made are too often doomed to failure. (Please correct me if I am wrong, Dr. Glover)

Viewed in that light I think this post shares commonalities with on web sites geared toward women wherein generalizations are made about the warning signs of men pursuing sexual relations in an imprudent manner (e.g., insecure validation vampires, players, and PUAs). However, one thing about Dr. Glover's post really shnes through--it is all about behavior. He makes no value judgments about women. Dr. Glover just makes observations about behaviors that are reliable predictors of risk. He encourges men to dump porn and the need for seduction to pursue real relationship between two healthy, individuated people.

Isn't that what modern women have said they want?

If it isn't why shouldn't it be?
David says ...
So the expert has spoken - all women must follow a certain pattern and if not, they are 'insecure'.

Ultimately you can't put people in pretty and simple boxes. You're going to make mistakes that way.

Certainly, we should be aware and beware 'insecure women' but insecurity can have different masks...

Slim says ...
I was the one who posted this question in the online class forum. I am flattered that Dr. Glover chose to answer the question at greater length. Had I known it would be presented to a wider audience I would have put more effort into writing it. Fortunately, the Doctor did edit it for brevity. Robert's generosity with his time and his students is remarkable.

When I first read the Doctor's response I had the same reaction as some of the other posters. I thought it was sexist and demeaning to women.

But upon further reflection I am convinced that he is right. I think my mistake was a typical nice guy desire to have everything perfectly delineated and neatly spelled out. The Doctor is speaking about a generality. Generally speaking, women who use overt sexuality to get validation will have relationship problems. But I suspect that what is considered overtly sexual varies among age groups and social strata.

A BJ in the front seat of the car may be acceptable sexual behavior for college-age kids or teens who are not yet completely socialized and are exploring their sexuality.

I don't know.

But I don't believe that the Doctor is saying that women are either Madonnas or whores or that women should come to the marriage alter unblemished flowers while men should have played the field.

I think like some of the other recovering nice guys on here I have a naïve view of female sexuality. The reason we nice guys aren't getting laid is not because society sometimes cruelly and unfairly labels sexually active women in a negative way. We are not getting laid because we are not bringing our sexual agenda to the table in a healthy, adult manner. We are not getting laid because we do not have a great cake of a life that a woman can beautify.

The problem is not the imperfect reality we find ourselves in. The problem is us: our reaction to that reality. We can't change the world, but we can change ourselves.
David says ...
I see Dr. Glover's work as being primarily a guideline to see where I may need to be more conscious. Of course he needs to generalize to make a point. We live in a strange world indeed. Men are becoming more feminine. Women are becoming more masuline. Polarity is becoming blurred and this can't help but lead to mass confusion and delusionment. Dr. Glover is not talking about becoming a "cave man." He is talking about becoming more mindful of what being a "Nice Guy" can do to mess our lives and relationships and how we can embrace our masculinity without apology.
Virginia says ...
Yup I'm definitely the second woman. Although I wouldn't summarize my worth to a man as just solely based on my sexuality so much as the companionship. I'm sure I'm still in the denial phase of just how insecure I really am. But I see it as a symbiotic exchange of services. He offers to be my emotional tampon, and I offer him sex in return. It's a pretty good deal from my experience. A clean cut transaction, where both parties are happy.
TheGirl says ...
I came across this article, as I was doing some research for an article I just posted called "Women's Weapon of Seduction" and I think this post makes a lot of good points. Especially between what an secure and insecure person will do to seduce someone. As well as the spin it takes to ask men why do they feel they need to seduce by a hyper-sexual character?
Siren says ...
You are correct about sexually aggressive women. I have known many in my lifetime, and they all share the same insecurity. The sexually aggressive women, in truth, runs counter to nature: She is masculine and desperate to penetrate, not feminine and willing to receive. However, she is in high demand to day because of the feminizing of men, who have become so insecure in their masculinity (warped by culture and media - porn is one such influence). This should be read by every man on the face of earth. Thank you for posting it.
marie says ...
Very enlightening. What I want to know is what is wrong with having just a sexual relationship? I work long hours and have a very full life and absolutely no interest in a relationship. Relationships take time to nurture and grow and I simply don't have time. But I do love sex. I don't have sex with anyone and/or everyone, just a couple of men that I have known for years. We all understand the situation and have boundaries. We also protect ourselves. I don't think this makes me insecure and wanting valedation. I just know what I want.
Robert says ...
Marie

Nothing at all wrong with how you approach sex. It sounds like you are conscious in the process and everyone involved understands the agenda. That is different from being unconsciously seductive from a place of insecurity and/or believing one can only get attention through sex.

Robert Glover
M says ...
Wow. This is extremely simplistic & demeaning. A healthy woman needs to invite? Stereotypical, outdated gender roles, much? A healthy person, regardless of gender, takes charge of what they want. There is a difference between assertive & aggressive. And even so--some aggression can be healthy, just ask your typical man. There are certainly more than two kinds of "seductive women," and according to your "classification," either "type" listed here could be healthy or unhealthy, depending on the context.

What kind of data & research are you using? Your website does not say--where did you go to school? Your conclusions seem a far cry from credible, and so do you, "Doctor."
Jack says ...
This is a brilliant post. Full of the kind of things lot of us know but unconsciously ignore. Thanks for putting it into words!
annon says ...
I am one of these insecure women this is very interesting to read describes me to a tee how do I change my ways? Any suggestions?

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