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Women, Trust, and Sexual Desire

by Dr. Robert Glover on May 10th, 2012.     6 comments

sensual womanMany factors affect a woman’s attraction and desire, including early life experiences with one’s mother and father. Many women are attracted to things in a man that actually go against her basic evolutionary programming. They might pick men who cheat on them because it feels emotionally familiar to be abandoned. They may pick men who beat them because it is consistent with an internal belief that love and abuse go together. While some women may actually be turned on by things that make them feel unsafe, this is due to toxic cross wiring.

By nature women are a security seeking creatures. Therefore, trust is everything.

I’ve told men for years that if you mess with a woman’s sense of trust, you mess with her lust. If you seem to have difficulty getting women to want to have sex with you or you’ve been with women who seemed to lose their interest in having sex with you over time, my guess is that you never gave women a reason to trust you, or that you killed whatever trust a woman once had.

I did a radio interview a while back with two women who host a talk program aimed at a female audience. Both of these women were in their mid-fifties and married. During a commercial break, I mentioned to them that I tell men that if they mess with a woman’s sense of trust, she’ll never get wet. Both women lit up like light bulbs. They told me I had to repeat that when we were back on the air from the break. I asked if I could say that on the radio. They told me I had to say that because women needed to hear it.

Ironically, I bumped into the two women about six months later in a coffee shop. We chatted for a minute and one of them brought up the statement I had made. She said that even after 30 years of marriage, she hadn’t made that direct connection in her own mind. She told me that after the interview she went home and told her husband what I had said and how true it was.

I make the statement in No More Mr. Nice Guy that Nice Guys are fundamentally dishonest. They are dishonest in a number of ways; their need for approval, their cover contracts, their avoidance of conflict, their telling people what they think they want to hear, their tendency to not follow through.

It isn’t coincidental that Nice Guys almost universally complain about a lack of sex. The connection? Nice Guys fail to act in ways that build trust in a women and act in ways that kills any trust a woman may have.

Since for women, trust equals lust, one of the quickest ways I know to heat a woman up is by showing up with total honesty and transparency.

This formula for sexual success seems paradoxical for most Nice Guys. They assume that a woman has to be in a good mood to want to have sex, and being completely honest seems like the quickest way to put a woman in a bad mood.

But remember, for women, trust equals lust.

One thing I’ve found out from 30 years as a marriage therapist, is that women can handle an uncomfortable truth, but they can’t handle being lied to.

In fact, some of the most erotic stories I’ve heard men tell about their sexual experiences with a woman have followed a time when the man revealed something to the woman that he was terrified to tell.

When a woman trusts you, she opens herself up to be penetrated deeply by you physically and emotionally.

How are you killing a woman’s ability to trust you (doesn’t matter if it is a woman you just met or a woman you been married to for 15 years)?

  • Hiding things you think might upset her.

  • Not letting her know what is going inside of you.

  • Outright lying to her.

  • Not doing what you say you are going to do.

  • Trying to get her approval.

  • Avoiding bringing things up that might rock the boat.

  • Keeping secrets.

  • Using covert contracts.

  • Leaving out certain details.

  • Flirting with other women.

  • Hidden porn and masturbation habits.

  • Shading the truth.

  • Not setting boundaries.

  • Not following through on commitments.

The next time you ponder why women don’t seem to be attracted to you or are feeling sexually neglected by your partner, turn the light back on you.

What are you doing to build trust and what are you doing to kill it?

Never ever forget, for women, trust equals lust.

Robert

Topics: Personal Integration Sex Women

6 Comments

John says ...
I just lost a woman I loved very much to another guy. It was a tumultuous 4 years in which I was a Nice Guy to her. I did all of the above including giving her money, jewelry, compliments and presents. I was always available. Did everything I could think of to please her.

She always refused to go out with me. She would agree to go out with me and then cancel. Always some excuse like fight with her sister, have to work...etc. I've never been able to figure out what was going on until I read this article. This is it. I could say yes to almost every item listed above.

She is the love of my life and I now i've lost her. I couldn't sleep for the first month. Now I just think about her constantly. I go out with other women but want to be with her. I still cry. Now I am angry all the time. Angry at myself. I lash out at people because I'm angry. I'd really like to get past the anger. I'd like to understand what happened and why.
John
Ckm says ...
This page sums up EXACTLY why I left my husband after 7 years. I told him most or all of these things, he "yes man"-d me, we went to therapy, where I brought it all up and he still didn't get it.
Not proud of it, but being this dissatisfied for so long opened the door for me to have an affair (with someone who * foremost * met my emotional needs, not to mention physical).
It was after the affair came out and our separation that my (ex)husband discovered this site & seminar. Sadly, too much damage done already. I wish he had not only listened to my very specific feedback/complaints, but found this resource and put it to use when we still had a chance.
I became very depressed because I believed that I was the one who really destroyed the marriage.
Ironically, he is using this info to be better at dating but *still* will not admit how dishonest he was to me in so many ways and how damaging that was. Obviously my having an affair was dishonest and reprehensible in many ways. It was, however, a conscious act on my part, in effort to get my needs met.
I've told him that until he realizes how much he undermined our marriage (not just my actions), he will continue to repeat these behaviors. In any case, good information for many men (and women).
Bruce says ...
Ive been there. more than once and it sucks....really bad!
nothing like going through a hellish world of pain due to a breakup from a woman you truly love...

- 1st thing you should do is get and read "no more Mr. nice guy. just do it now. youre learning the way out of your pain and a way to a new life for the price of a BOOK!

-2nd thing. STOP contacting her! immediatley! delete her number, pics and memories because you have NO CHOICE but to accept this.

-3rd you HAVE to accept it. be strong, or even if she comes back eventually you wont stay together.

-4th do things to stay in the present moment, exercise
clean your house, theres NOTHING you can do or say that will bring her back. only time will teach and heal you my friend.

you have to work on building your strength, acceptance of reality, and your own life. once you dont NEED a woman in your life because youre so darn happy, i think you'll find one will appear without really trying too hard.
buy the book, take your balls back, and do better with the next woman. it teaches MAN skills and im forever thankful for them!! GOOD LUCK!!!
Bruce Yager - Albuquerque, New Mexico
Brenda says ...
As a toddler I was molested and witnessed murder smh I was so afraid of men I would literately pee on myself. I stayed a virgin until 21 an that wasn't by choice. A knife pulled on me an it was a wrap. I said ducces to dudes then....raped two more times 2012 and 2014. 2014 left me pregnant. I have a daughter on my own. I'm not gay by a long shot but if I don't see another penis in life it will be a blessing to me. I don't lust/desire/need/want a dude straight awful
Wbotb says ...
Wrong again. I can be sexually turned on by a man I don't trust, but I make a conscious decision to got through with it or not. I'm visually stimulated by men so he can be a dirtbag and I'll still be turned on, but I consciously choose to not bother with him no matter how good I think the sex will be.
Teri says ...
Thank you so much for writing this. Wish men understood this. It would change the way they approach in the first place and everything they do afterwards. I'm sick of not 'feeling it' for the many men who 'want me' sexually with their freaking mouths open LOL.

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