Read My Mind

Can Women Instantly Tell If You Are a Loser?

by Dr. Robert Glover on Jan 30th, 2012.     8 comments

woman loserA typical Nice Guy writes:

"In one of your previous podcasts you stated how many of us ‘Nice Guys’ believe that women can see our flaws at a distance. I used to believe this of just about everyone -- they only had to look at me to see how inept and flawed I was.

I've read that women are generally far ahead of men in reading body language and are constantly tuned to ‘what you are thinking.’

With this in mind, what is your experience of this female ability, are women as good at this as we are led to believe or is it mostly a myth?"

This question is a good example of a common belief pattern I see in a lot of Nice Guys and inexperienced daters. These men see women as having magical powers of intuition that enable them to make split-second decisions about a man’s worthiness.

Here is where the story begins for the typical Nice Guy.

Around 14 years old, he spends weeks or months developing a crush on a girl in his class. When he finally builds up the nerve to anxiously and awkwardly approach her and tell her she is pretty, she shows low interest, for whatever reason. He assumes her lack of interest is the result of her ability to see what a loser he is.

Or perhaps he spends months and years becoming a girl’s friend, listening to her talk about her problems, hoping that some day she will see what a great guy he is. She is happy to use him as an emotional tampon, but of course she never falls in love with him. Again, he assumes it is because there must be something fundamentally wrong with him -- and she can see it.

From adolescence on, he assumes that all women have the power to instantly see whatever disqualifying flaws he possesses. Over time, if he occasionally gets up the nerve to approach women and gets additional low interest responses, it validates his belief that all women have the ability to instantly recognize his inherent undesirability.

Men with this kind of dating experience have a hard time seeing that a woman’s low interest response can be the result of a number of factors:

  • She isn’t available

  • He isn’t her type (we all have types)

  • She is distracted or preoccupied

  • He approached her clumsily, anxiously, or passively

  • He did nothing to create positive emotional tension for her

  • He was waiting for her to be the decider and take action

These men use a few low interest responses and a few awkward advances (or months or years of being “nice” to a woman) as proof and support of their deeply held self-limiting beliefs. These self-limiting beliefs might include:

  • I am inherently flawed and undesirable

  • All women can instantly see I am undesirable

  • All women want a guy who is different from me

  • This will never change

Regardless of how you feel about yourself, women do not have superhuman powers to read your mind or know the depth of who you are.

Further, you may be hyper aware of perceived personal flaws, but you are not a loser. Any internal beliefs of personal worthlessness you hold on to are nothing more than a lifetime of inaccurate interpretation of life events.

Since you aren’t a loser (even if you believe you are), a woman can’t look inside you and see something that isn’t there. Just because some women you desired didn’t desire you back, it doesn’t mean they looked inside you and saw you as lacking in some fundamental way.

You Cannot Not Communicate

While women cannot see into your soul, the female brain is more powerfully wired for empathy than the male brain. Empathy is the ability to sense what another person is experiencing and to understand and share their feelings.

Due to evolution, the female brain is better wired to naturally experience empathy by sensing and interpreting the “meta-communication” that we all project.

This meta-communication is projected through facial expressions, body language, eye movement, voice tone and pace, and even energy. Communication experts say that only about 7% of communication consists of actual words, the rest is non-verbal cues. So even if you aren’t speaking, your body, face, eyes, posture, and gestures all speak volumes.

Without going too deeply into the evolutionary processes that helped the female brain develop greater empathy -- the ability to read the unspoken cues people project -- suffice it to say, women are more sensitive to your body language than they are to your words.

But even with a greater capacity for empathy, women cannot read your mind and do not posses the ability to look into your heart or soul (or intuitively know you have a hidden porn addiction, live with your mother, or have never had sex).

Check out my blog post on "How To Turn Women Off"


Check out all of my Dating Essentials for Men online classes and Dating Essentials Q&A Podcasts


Topics: Dating Essentials Sex Women


jefe says ...
Even when we're guilty of none of these failings, why do women accuse us of them anyway?
Dr. Glover says ...

Maybe you are hanging around with the wrong kind of women. Spend time with women who see the value in you.

Doc423 says ...
It's so easy to unconsciously be attracted to emotionally-abusive women who validate our low self-esteem...step outside your "relationship box" and look at yourself and her critically...does she help make you feel good and confident about yourself? or do you feel down and dejected around her (whipped puppy dog syndrome) and feel like your "walking on emotional eggshells" with her. Most emotionally insecure women are attracted to "Nice Guys" whom they can dominate, and thus temporarily build-up their low self-esteem.
Truth and Justice says ...
With all due respect, doctor, I have to disagree. I think you shot this question down too quickly, a shame. The feminine mind is highly intuitive. It's a long-evolved survival skill that is very real. It's not gender exclusive, and there's a continuum to be sure... But a feminine brain is just more receptive to those unspoken emotional cues OP is talking about. Cooperation, communication, spirituality, and even the supernatural are associated with femininity. As a woman myself, just come of age, "psychic" experiences do happen. I would have liked to see you, a professional, entertain this idea for at least a moment and explore the science behind it. But, since you're someone who uses the phrase "emotional tampon," I should obv lower my expectations.
BuzZ says ...
"Psychic" experiences do happen,.

Alright, if you want to be taken seriously do not write things like this.
Rog says ...
Be tall or have good finances. Proven strategy.
Bingo says ...
And don't forget, conversely, men spotting loser women at a distance. It works both ways, nowadays. My rule of thumb: get to know someone before making any move. Something much easier in the olden days of strong local community and arranged marriages.
Truth Is says ...
Then again just look at all the pathetic loser women that are now everywhere these days for us good innocent men trying to meet a real decent woman today that are really nowhere to be found.


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