Read My Mind

Guest Blog: Relaxation and Self-Soothing: The Oil in the Engine of Transformation

by Roger Nix on May 16th, 2014.     1 comments

oil-can-landingThe Nice Guy Syndrome recovery process challenges you to face fears and reclaim your life by challenging your self-limiting beliefs, stopping the seeking of approval, taking risks and facing rejection, taking the lead in relationships, showing up authentically and telling the whole truth, reclaiming personal power, and living with purpose and intention.

These are empowering concepts and practices, but I’m sure you’ve noticed they can generate a hell of a lot of anxiety. In fact, fear, anxiety, and how they are managed (or mismanaged) are the central issues among the men I work with.
The majority experience high anxiety yet don’t see it as frustrating their efforts to get the life they want. They think, as maybe you do, that when they’ve won the girl, gotten the dream job, or lost the weight they can then relax and enjoy life. They will no longer be anxious. Release is always in the future.
They believe it’s not ok to relax and enjoy life “now.” They fear that if they don’t worry, fret, and stew they will lose all motivation and stay stuck. Yet with all their worry and strain they rarely reach their goals, and when they do they don’t enjoy them for long.
This common misperception is rich in irony. To strain to achieve goals, often to prove worthiness to others, all for the purpose of “then” being able to relax and enjoy life, is a flawed path. But it’s the world-view most of us have learned from parents, teachers, and society in general. I call it “I will be happy when…”
Most men I work with have read tons of self-help books, tried various medications, and seen several therapists. They know a lot, and yet their own behavior baffles them. In fact, their past failures have convinced them they’re fatally flawed. Their self-esteem is shot. They often say, “I must be really f**ked up,” and ask, “What is wrong with me?” You may have uttered those same words. I know I used to.
Well, here is the good news. You are not defective, and you don’t need to be somebody else.
Dysfunction and bad habits are not caused by essential character defects but by lack of skill as well as misconceptions about how the world really works.
Reflecting on your childhood, you may notice you received precious little training in life skills. Who ever taught you how to deal with self-doubt, uncertainty, or impatience in learning new skills?
You survived by reacting to your environment the best way you knew how to soothe your fears and get acceptance from parents, friends and teachers. In this way, you taught yourself how to manipulate your environment and the people in it.
You aren’t broken. You simply lack the skills to discover and value who you are and what you want. Accepting who you are right now – as you are right now – is possible.
The following traits and skills will allow you to be comfortable in your own skin. 
  • staying present and focused in the face of outside influence
  • tolerating discomfort as you face new challenges
  • knowing intuitively what you want
  • accepting mistakes and moving on
  • being persistent and sticking with the process of change
  • surrendering your desire to control people, places, and things
Without some degree of skill in these areas, challenging yourself to risk change can set you up for failure.
If you would like to develop these skills by enhancing your ability to relax and to regulate your anxiety, join my on-line class Fierce Relaxation.” It will teach you how to:
  • calm your mind and body at will
  • slow down
  • re-label the experience of emotional and physical pain
  • notice without judgment the effects of your behaviors, thoughts, and feelings
  • allow thoughts and feelings to pass without reaction
  • observe circumstances with all your senses
  • challenge and/or accept thoughts and beliefs
  • be your own best source for safety
  • stretch your world and “Make it Bigger”
  • integrate a balanced physical, mental and emotional life
Click the button below to get more information about Fierce Relaxation.
Roger Nix
NMMNG Certified Life Coach

May 2014 Fierce Relaxation Website Banner
Topics: Anxiety Boundaries


Karl Kerschner says ...
"Fierce Relaxation" is an excellent course of real value to anyone, and particularly tailored for "Nice Guys". Roger Nix, a protégé of Dr. Glover's, is a compassionate teacher whose course material really delivers. All that is needed is our little willingness. Blessings,


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