Read My Mind

How to Approach Attractive Women in Public

by Dr. Robert Glover on Jun 10th, 2015.     17 comments

A class member in one of my Dating Essentials online courses recently asked a question that is pretty common for the men who take them – basically, “How do you approach attractive women?”
Here’s an excerpt:
“Most of the women I see that I am interested in aren't ‘opportunities that present themselves.’
“For instance, a super cute girl walked by on the street the other day, but she was texting and didn't see me.
“How would I break into her world so that I can start to test for interest?
“What are your thoughts on approaching when the opportunity doesn't exactly present itself (as in standing next to the person in line, standing in an elevator with her, etc.)?”

Here is what I wrote in response:
What you are talking about is called "pick-up." I don't teach it, and I don't do it.
Pick-up is fundamentally intrusive, ego-based, and demeaning to both men and women.
It is also what most bad daters most want to be able to do, i.e., never having to practice their general social skills or develop their confidence, but having a sure-fire way to get the women they are physically attracted to to be attracted to them with no chance of rejection. 
I suggest that if you only want to talk to women your male ego is physically attracted to, why not be totally honest and straightforward?
Try this the next time you see a super cute woman across the room or across the street:
Approach her, block her way, and make some motion that will force her to look at you. Then tell her the truth:
"I am interrupting what you are doing, because I find you very physically attractive, and my insecure male ego likes the idea of having a great object like you as my girlfriend/sex partner.
“I know I would feel like a total winner if you were my girlfriend, and other men would surely envy me. 
"I don't know you. You may be as dumb as a rock and a total bitch. You might be lazy and self-entitled. You might be a total limp fish in bed.
“I don’t care. You’re hot, and that’s the only reason I’m talking to you right now.
“I know every man who sees you hits on you just like I am, and you probably don’t want to give up the constant attention this brings you.
"But my ego doesn't care.
“All I care about is the distorted image I have projected onto you because you meet my ideal of physical beauty. None of your other qualities even matter to me. That is why I am talking to you now, even though I know nothing about you.
"So can I have your number?
“I'll call you, and then I’ll work really hard to get you to like me and want to be with me.
“I'll buy you stuff. I'll fix things for you. I’ll help your sister move. I'll let you treat me badly. I'll listen to shit that bores me to tears, but I'll look real interested the whole time because of my hope that being such a nice guy will make you want to get naked with me.
“Speaking of sex, I assume that because I find you so attractive that you’ll be great in bed. I have nothing to base this assumption on other than my fantasy and imagination. Realistically, the opposite is probably closer to the truth since you have no incentive to put out since lots of other men just like me give you status and attention just for being a genetic celebrity.
“Honestly, having sex with you scares the shit out of me because I have you so high on a pedestal, I’m sure you will find me to be an inadequate lover compared to the countless men I assume you’ve been with.
"But hey, enough dwelling in reality. Like I said, I don't really want to get to know a quality woman. I want a woman who looks like you and who will make me feel good about myself and make other men want to be me. To have that, I’ll put up with years of bullshit and grief. But that’s okay, my sense of self is already so low, I’ll gladly take whatever scraps you throw my way”
Want to learn how I teach men to approach attractive women in public?
I don’t teach pick-up, but I do teach men how to expand their social intelligence and social skills.
I teach men how to create a great cake of a life that makes them naturally attractive to women.
I teach men how to interact with everyone they meet and let go of their attachment to outcome.
I teach men how to face their fears and project confidence, even when they don’t feel confident.
I teach men how to make the world a better place just by how they get up every day and walk the planet.
I teach men how to set the tone and take the lead once they have met a great woman.
If you’re looking for someone to teach you how to hit on hot women and run sets because it boosts your ego and makes up for a boring and uninteresting life, you’ll have to look elsewhere. That’s not what I teach.
But if you want to grow and develop yourself as a complete man and learn how to invite a quality woman into your great life, I’ve got what you want.
I invite you to join the thousands of other men who have used what I teach in my Dating Essentials for Men courses to create a dynamic, passionate life, and, in the process, learned how to connect with amazing, high quality women who have blessed their lives.

Robert Glover's Signature

P.S., What is your opinion of women who are only interested in men whom they perceive to have lots of money? Do you have a name for women like that? Do you find yourself resenting this kind of women? Do you perceive them as shallow and one-dimensional? Do they piss you off?
Okay, how are you any different? How are you any less shallow or one-dimensional if your primary reason for approaching a woman is because she is cute, hot, sexy, etc?
P.P.S. I already know what the first post in response to this blog will be:
“Are you saying I shouldn’t approach or date women I find attractive?”
If you’re thinking that is what is what I’m saying, you didn’t pay attention to what I wrote and you don’t want to let go of your ego-based criteria for choosing women.
Of course you should date and get into relationship with women whom you find attractive. But I hope your definition of attraction goes beyond just physical appearance. It can start there, but if it ends there, you are truly a shallow man and you’ll get what you deserve from the women you meet.
As I’ve frequently said, “Approaching a woman just because she is hot is the worst possible reason for approaching a woman.”
If you’re ready to meet and connect with truly attractive women – women who are as beautiful on the inside as they are on the outside – women who will truly bless your life, check out my Dating Essentials for Men.



mayday says ...
I bitterly resented that it always seemed to be the tall, good-looking, cool guys whom the attractive, good-looking women wanted; and I had to content myself with women whom I didn't find especially attractive and even THEY often banished me to the friend zone quicker than I could say, "Hi, my name is..."

And then it happened. A good-looking, high status woman in my social set found me attractive (I soon came to see why) and we began dating. I was sitting on top of the world. I had what I'd always wanted, a trophy girlfriend. How the other guys were jealous. She turned out to be, as Robert remarked, a self-centered b*tch who was using me for her purposes and couldn't have cared less about me. Yet I hung in there, for three years, knowing that but believing that she was better than the alternative which, I believed, was nothing. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore and left which was fine with her as I'd outlived my usefulness

I'd love to go out every night and pick up attractive women by the score. Doing so would feed my hungry ego. Like an addiction. One shot, then the next, then the next. How I'd love to get back at those, beginning with my parents, who rejected and belittled me. A hot chick on my arms. I'll show 'em.

I know where that leads though. Self-rejection and self-abandonment. The temptation is always there but I know the price. It's not worth it. Robert isn't paying me to say this, but what he's saying here is the best "tough love" advice that a lot of us could possibly get.
Enrique says ...
Dear Dr Robert I am new to your site and to your book, this is your first blog that I read and let me tell you that I am in Aw.. I am greatful for the clarity that this blog in particular brings to my life experience and understanding. It is the answer that I was looking for so intensly. Thank you for sharing with us your philosophy so we can live our social and emotional life to the fullest!
Joshua says ...
Hi Dr

I think you're making a huge generalization with this post, which is a shame because you teach a lot of great stuff.

For me, the idea of approaching a girl I like in public is precisely about working on my social skills and at the same time having the intent on seeing whether we are a good match. At the same time, it gives me the opportunity of expanding my social circle in a fun and spontaneous manner.

The truth is, no matter how you meet a girl, the first thing you are going to be attracted to about her is the way she looks, that is not being shallow. That is natural and human and to say otherwise is disingenuous. What would be shallow would be to decide to make her a girlfriend/friend solely on such a basis. However, to try and find out more about her and if u get on then ask her out is just a very normal thing and shouldn't be demonized.

Why should it matter after all where you meet and chat to someone? If you see such a beautiful opportunity and you have some free time and are single, why not take it?! You never know where it could lead. If you do it with a good heart the girl will most likely appreciate it too!

For a single, young guy such an act seems to me to be part of being a healthy man, as well as a human being aligned with God and the universe. Peace.
jeff says ...
With all due respect to you, Dr. Glover, you are totally wrong. The so-called "PuA community" has evolved over the years, or at least some of us have. We don't engage in manipulation. We're not always trying to add notches to our bedposts, although I don't judge those who are. We don't use creepy pseudonyms, paint our fingernails black, or engage in "negging". We believe in meeting women anywhere and everywhere. That includes women in coffee shops, bookstores, and on the street as well as in our extended social circles. We believe in being right with our desire and taking a stand for it. We present our best selves to everyone, not just those to whom we may be introduced or meet online. A large number of us have read your book also. Many of us are falling in love & getting married. Some men do get into pickup to try to feed their egos, but they quickly learn that doing pick up means getting rejected - a lot. They very quickly either learn that this is about testing our own limits and being ok with others not liking us, or they disappear.

If you don't want to teach men how to approach random women, don't do it. But I think what you're really objecting to is approaching random women badly. Stalking, neediness, outcome-dependence, and manipulation are no longer part of "the game". The community has come a long way from those days, sir.gc4
James says ...
Take a chillpill and resolve the resentment for not getting the pussy you wanted earlier in life.
Florence says ...
Here's the opinion of a woman ! Yes ... a woman. First of all, any woman with a sense of self-esteem and confidence who gets the pick-up approach with no finesse will run for her life and reject the poor guy. I say "poor" because I agree with Dr. Glover ... there's a huge canyon of difference between the art of "dating" in view of an intelligent relationship and trying to pick up women to be admired and feel good about yourself. By the way ... if a woman picks YOU up ... I have the same opinion.

Now ... there are some absolutely physically perfect women out there who thrive on being picked-up ... but remember that what excites them is not YOU ... it's the game of being confirmed in the fact that she's hot. So whether man #1 or man #657 picks her up ... it doesn't matter... someone is picking her up = she's hot = her ego is happy. Now the tricky part here is that unless she has a pea instead of a brain ... the absolutely physically perfect woman has the advantage of choosing the best pick-up according to her set of criteria. But she's not doing this to be in an intelligent relationship, whether the relationship is a short or long one ... she's into being confirmed she's hot. Once the thrill of this feeling with man #1 is gone, she'll try to get it again with another man, and another .... and one day ... she'll probably have to rely on plastic surgery because mother nature will start playing her normal tricks on her.

So guys ... if you just want to "pick-up" a woman, go ahead ... but if you want to interact, engage and try to find out if this woman is a good fit for you ... than "picking up" won't go far.
pape says ...
I'm french, so my English may be incorrect.
A nice guy is a guy who has a set of distorted beliefs about himself, women and the world. These beliefs lead him to ask question like those above. He cannot think otherwise unless the beliefs change !! Even if he applies what dr glover teaches, he will apply them as technique, as pickup tools, but he will not understand that dr glover DE classes are pure self development classes that teach you to view the world in a more efficient way !!!
No need to convince that guy, he is not ready to make the belief work. Time will do the job, perhaps.
Eric says ...
On hand I agree that approaching a woman because she's attractive is not the best reason, but let's face it; all you know about her is her looks until you talk to her.

And yet, this site is riddled with photos of unrealistically attractive women. Isn't that a conflicting message?
Andrew says ...
As Robert said in his blog post about life not being fair, he's very right, why can't more people just say and admit more often that life is not fair in the sense that it always has to be the mans role to make the first move, approach and talk to the woman first, ask her out, be the initiator, as a guy, I've always resented this card i was dealt with for being born a guy.
Igor says ...

I recognize my kind of thinking in your post...
Too bad 4 me.
Hopefully not everything is lost...
Dan S says ...
Thank you so much for writing this Dr. Glover. I have been thinking A LOT lately about this topic, though not approaching women, more about how I look at attractive women and what happens for me internally when I see 'really hot' women in public. It's actually dissociation. I definitely don't stare or anything, but I look. Usually what happens is that I become completely focused on their presence, even if I'm trying not to look, know what I mean? Like, all my internal energy is shifted and I'm totally out of touch with my body.

Now, heaven forbid I get a look back or notice she's checking me out, WHOA!! My anxiety goes through the roof.

And basically, whether or not she looks back, my mind becomes involved in this thought process of self-loathing and feeling I could never 'get' her, even though she might be staring at me, and quite possibly, wanting me to talk to her.

I think what you're saying about this being ego-based is accurate. For me it's clearly an escape, a compulsive one.
Al says ...
The pickup guys above are right. Dr. Glover uses the same type of manipulation as those supposively insecure pickup artists to get men to buy his material. What he's saying is,

"I am interrupting what you are doing with distracting pictures and promises of a better life because I find you as inadequate as you find yourself, and my insecure male ego likes the idea of having a great object like you as my paycheck.

“I know I would feel like a total winner if you paid for me to live like royalty in Mexico when it's cool and Seattle when it's warm."
john says ...
Al ... you're wrong. You chose to read Dr. Glovers blog, he didn't interrupt you or force you to the way some websites and popup ds do. He's the real deal.
RI Guy says ...
I think the pick up guys may be missing the subtleties of the situation. I think Dr Glovers response to that specific situation is correct in that the woman isn't showing signs of wanting to interact with the world. For you to interrupt what she is doing, she may be busy, is not a right men have. Women have a right to go through this world and not have to interact with you should they choose. I do believe however that approaching or talking to women who make eye contact or seem in some way to be engaging the world are open to being approached.

I do comment on appearance with things non sexual such as I like your smile or your hair looks wonderful when you know she fussed with it. Keep it light and nonsexual and approach women who appear to be open to being approached is my opinion.
Lolwut says ...
When I approach a girl I find hot I *have* to make it to get approval from others?

I mean, I'm a nice guy but not everyone who approaches hot girls is a nice guy.
Nick S says ...
After reading your post, Dr. Glover, I see your point, but I do not buy into it completely. I have managed to go out on a number of dates with women with whom I struck up a conversation in a coffee shop or department store or grocery store. I remain in touch with one of them to this day who is a friend of mine. Another beautiful woman in particular brought me to realize that I was indeed a Nice Guy after we dated for four months, after I got her number in a grocery store. It is all random. Online dating is random. Meeting women in a social group is random. Striking up conversations in a public place is random as well. I personally must date a woman who I find to be at a certain level of physical and emotional attractiveness. I don't know about other guys.

These "pick up" techniques are not all bad when used by good men who come across physically attractive women who'd they'd like to chat with to then possibly go for their phone number or to set up a date. It is not all about sleeping with a woman, for I am not the type who will let myself sleep with a woman with whom I do not see myself in a long-term relationship. Remember the girl I'm still friends with after four years? We haven't slept together.

You might say that a lot of us are simply old school. We don't like online dating. We like the thrill of getting a conversation going in person, in real-time to see if there's chemistry right off the bat.

Either way, thank you for what you are doing for the vast community of men who are Nice Guys or Nice Guys in recovery like me.
Cameron says ...
Kind of embarrassing you would advertise your course with a picture of an unreasonably attractive woman.


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